Jennifer Cook O'Toole Book: Longer Review

I am reviewing the following book. The Asperkid's (Secret) Book of Social Rules: The Handbook of Not-So-Obvious Social Guidelines for Tweens and Teens with Aspergers Syndrome by Jennifer Cook O'Toole with Illustrations by Brian Bojanowski:

http://www.jkp.com/catalogue/book/9781849059152

I am an autistic adult woman in my mid-30’s.  I was self-diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome at the age of 35 and officially diagnosed by a psychiatrist at the age of 36.  I am an Ivy League graduate who nonetheless never learned even the most basic elements of social interaction.

 

I bought this book in hopes of improving my social skills and found it to be very helpful, humorous, well-written, and insightful.  I greatly recommend it for Aspies of all ages.  Ms. O’Toole’s book is highly effective because she understands the mind-sets of both the mainstream NT (neurotypical) social world and the Asperger’s population.  As an Aspie herself, she knows precisely which social rules are most likely to confuse and trip up teenagers with Asperger’s.  She is an excellent translator and interpreter between two very different cultures.   I gained insight into the NT world-view mind-set from her writing.

 

I only wish that this book had existed when I was a teenage girl because knowing these social rules might have helped me avoid many costly social mistakes.  I figured out most of the principles discussed in this book through a painful process of trial and error, but her book was a helpful reminder of some social rules that sometimes continue to stump me.  For instance, I faced one major problem on the job.  I didn’t realize that NTs typically don’t really mean it when they say they want your honest opinion.  I unintentionally offended my bosses by giving them my honest view in a situation where they simply wanted me to praise their work or their company.  If I had known this principle earlier, I would have understood that the boss was not opening the door to freewheeling discussion by requesting my opinion on a subject.

 

Similarly, when NTs ask you how you are, in most cases they are not looking for an honest answer.  They don’t really want to know how you are feeling and want you to say you are fine even if you are facing a major life catastrophe such as a cancer diagnosis or a divorce.  The question is a formality and not an invitation to a meaningful discussion. 

 

In addition, the book explains that students should never challenge authority figures.  I know from painful personal experience that challenging authority figures can be a deadly career mistake.  In my freshman year of college, I challenged a senior professor in class for his views on a political issue.  He reacted in a harsh manner that helped derail my plans to pursue an academic career in my special interest.  I hope that other Aspies can avoid making similar mistakes and thus achieve greater career success.

 

I also learned a few new ideas from her book.  For instance, Ms. O’Toole suggested one possibly effective way to deal with your opponent.  She recommends that rather than confronting your opposition directly, you should invite your rival to consider the facts together.  In this way you allow him or her to save face and can conduct a more respectful dialogue with him or her.  I never would have thought about taking this approach to this situation, and I thank Ms. O’Toole for suggesting it. Ms. O’Toole proves that it is never too late for an autistic person to improve their social skills.    

 

 

 

 

Jennifer Cook O'Toole Book: Brief Review

I am reviewing the following book.  The Asperkid's (Secret) Book of Social Rules: The Handbook of Not-So-Obvious Social Guidelines for Tweens and Teens with Aspergers Syndrome by Jennifer Cook O'Toole with Illustrations by Brian Bojanowski:

http://www.jkp.com/catalogue/book/9781849059152

I am an autistic adult woman in my mid-30’s.  I am an Ivy League graduate who missed the opportunity for social skills training. I bought this book in hopes of improving my social skills and found it to be very helpful, humorous, well-written, and insightful.  I greatly recommend it for Aspies of all ages.  Ms. O’Toole’s book is highly effective because she understands the mind-sets of both the mainstream NT (neurotypical) social world and the Asperger’s population.  As an Aspie herself, she knows precisely which social rules are most likely to confuse teen Aspies.  She is an excellent translator and interpreter between two very different cultures who gave me insight into the NT world-view.  

 I only wish that this book had existed when I was a teenager because knowing these rules might have helped me avoid many costly social mistakes.  I figured out the principles discussed in this book through a painful process of trial and error, but her work was a helpful reminder of social rules that sometimes continue to stump me.  I also learned a few new ideas from her book. Ms. O’Toole proves that it is never too late for an autistic person to improve their social skills.    

Affirmative Action Needed for Autistic People

I was speaking to my close friend Monica, who happens to be a neuro-typical (NT), last night.  She asked me what I would want most to change in the workplace for autistic people.  I replied that I would like employers to change the interview process in order to make it more humane and fair for autistic adults.  I said the standard interview process discriminates against autistic people because it focuses upon social skills and does not allow us to display our unique intellectual and personal strengths.  

She came up with the revolutionary and radical idea that employers in business, government, academia, and non-profits should be required by law to set aside 1% of all their positions for autistic people. In this way, we can ensure that educated and qualified autistic people have a fighting chance of gaining equal access to opportunities in the employment world.  Employers would no longer be allowed to get away with discriminating against us in the interview process and systematically excluding us from the employment world.  Employers would also lose the incentive to drive out autistic employees through bullying campaigns.  The reason is that if they fired one autistic person, they would simply have to replace him or her with another autistic employee. 

My story illustrates why this law is needed.  I am an Ivy League graduate with a bachelor's degree in my special interest of international relations.  Yet I was bullied by the professors in my field and blocked from pursuing an academic career in this profession because of my social skills deficit and unintentional social mistakes and violations of the academic hierarchy. 

In addition, during my senior year of college, I went on 60 interviews for business jobs.  I didn't make it to the second round of a single interview.  As a result, when I graduated from college, I was effectively locked out of the standard career world.  I was fluent in Spanish and had a minor in economics.  I was an outstanding public speaker with excellent analytical, writing, research, and public speaking skillls.  Yet I couldn't find a job because employers systematically refused to hire me due to my obvious social skills deficit and undiagnosed autism.

In the next 11 years, I suffered endless nightmares in the job world.  I was fired or pressured to quit from every job I ever held, often within days or weeks of being hired.  I was relentlessly  bullied by abusive bosses and colleagues in my last two office jobs, during which I lasted just three weeks and eight weeks, respectively.  Even after I earned a masters degree in taxation (accounting), the major accounting firms still would not hire me because of my poor performance in the interview process.

And I am not alone.  The estimated unemployment rate for adults with Asperger's alone, which is just one part of the Autism Spectrum Disorder, is a catastrophic 85% in the U.S. and 97% in the U.K.  These appalling figures show that employers are systematically discriminating against us and refusing to hire us even though many of us are highly qualified and educated. 

Society will receive at least two major economic benefits from passage of this law.  First, since autistic people will now be employed, we will not need to depend upon government welfare programs such as Supplemental Security Income (SSI) for our financial survival.  As a result, the taxpayers will immediately save billions of dollars in unnecessary SSI expenses as autistic adults transition off the welfare rolls and into productive employment and participation in society.

Second, autistic people will now contribute taxes from our wages.  Thus, we will be contributing to the treasury rather than draining it with endless expenses for our needs.  Including autistic people in the job world will directly benefit the whole society on a financial level. 

I want to address several possible objections to this law.  First, a friend accused me of acting out of self-interest.  He mistakenly thought I wanted to pass this law for my own financial gain.  I explained to him that even if this law passes, I have no intention of ever returning to an academic job or an office job in business or accounting.  Thus, I have no personal financial stake in the passage of this law.  My only goal in supporting this law is to ensure that younger autistic people can obtain the job opportunities that I was unjustly denied due to discrimination.  I want to use my experience to help today's autistic teenagers and young adults to reach their full potential in the job world.  This law is designed to help autistic people as a whole, not me personally. 

Second, some people might fear that employers would be forced to hire unqualified autistic people for every position in their company.  This system would not be used to place autistic people in positions such as sales and management for which we generally lack the appropriate skill set.  Rather, it would ensure that autistic people can compete fairly for the jobs that play to our strengths, such as accounting, academia, investment analysis, foreign language translation, computer science, and mathematics. 

Third, one autistic woman objected to the law on the grounds that the only measures needed to improve employment outcomes for autistic people.  My response to her objection is as follows.  I see no contradiction between educating employers and requiring them to hire us by law.  In fact, we need both policies to improve our employment options.  The civil rights movement for African-Americans employed both tactics, and so should autism rights advocates.  I believe that educating employers alone is insufficient to substantially change our job outcomes and that the combination of legal action and raising public awareness through education campaigns targeting the general society and employers in particular is necessary to put an end to job discrimination against autistic people.

My personal experience shows that many neurotypicals (NTs) are not informed about the systematic and deliberate nature of employment discriminations against autistic people.  But once they learn the ugly truth about how autistic people are treated in the workplace, they are horrified and decide to join our struggle in various ways.  For this reason, I encourage autistic teens and adults and their parents and caregivers to share their stories and thus advance our movement for equality and jusice.  I also invite people to contact me via email if they want to support this effort in any way at rachel_silverman@ymail.com.

Thank You to Autism Speaks

I attended the Autism Speaks Walk yesterday morning, March 3, 2013, in Palm Beach County, Florida, along with my mother.  I am an adult autistic woman in my mid-thirties, and I had a wonderful experience.  I spoke with parents of autistic children, teachers, and autism professionals, and everywhere I was welcomed with open arms and embraced as a human being.  I felt people finally understood me and accepted me for who I am. To my tremendous relief, I discovered that the participants were not trying to fix or change me in order to make me fit in better with the mainstream neurotypical (NT) career world. 

Having my personal experience validated and appreciated was liberating and exciting.  I am already beginning to feel like a different and stronger person.  After 19 years of being relentlessly battered in the NT career world in my special interest of academia/ international relations, business, and accounting, I had begun to give up hope of ever being embraced in the work place.  Thanks to this transformative event, for the first time in my life, I am starting to feel like there is a place for me in the career world.  I shared my life experience with  many people, and I touched their hearts and connected with them on a deep level.  My story resonated with parents, teachers, and autism professionals.

I also shared my plan to write an alternative career guide for autistic teens and adults with the participants.  And everywhere I went, I received encouragement and support for my ideas.  Many people told me that I had a great point that many autistic adults and teens need alternatives to the standard NT career paths that we are often unable to pursue. 

Once again, thank you to the wonderful founders, board members, staff, and volunteers at Autism Speaks for a truly fabulous and uplifting event.  In addition, thank you to the vendors who shared your social skills products and school services with the autism community. Finally, thank you to the corporate sponsors who generously donated their time and resources to this incredibly important cause.         

A potential game-changer: SCORE now offers on-line mentoring

I have decided to begin writing a guide on alternative employment options for autistic adults and teenagers which will focus on self-employment and work from home career options.  The purpose of this guide is to begin tackling the catastrophic 85 to 97% unemployment rate among autistic adults by empowering autistic people to find alternatives to the standard NT career options that require strong social skills.  Some autistic adults have flourished in standard NT career paths such as academia and business after receiving extensive social skills training and ongoing job coaching.  But many autistic adults have found that they cannot function effectively in the mainstream NT job world because their social challenges are extreme.  In particular, many autistic workers cannot cope with the all-pervasive problem of workplace bullying, which affects 35% of all employees according to surveys by the Workplace Bullying Institute.

I support the idea of entrepreneurship for autistic adults.  And so I am engaged in an intensive search for programs, services, and ideas which can help empower autistic adults on their self-employment journeys.  In 2000, I started a business that involved publishing a newsletter on Latin American Internet companies.  I sought the help of a mentor from the Service Corp of Retired Executives (SCORE).  This outstanding group of successful business people volunteer their time to help new entrepreneurs with every aspect of their business, from writing a business plan to marketing and sales and human resources management. I found this advisor’s suggestions as very helpful.   

And so I was very pleased to discover that this group now offers on-line consultations with a national group of mentors.You can search for a mentor by both industry specialization and by functional focus.  http://www.score.org/mentors.  So you could search for a marketing mentor who has industry focus on the IT sector, for instance.  This service allows you to tap a previously unavailable national network of volunteer mentors so that you are no longer limited by geographic restrictions to meeting only with mentors in your local area.  So if you are starting a technology business in Florida, now you have access to technology marketing specialists in Silicon Valley. 

More importantly, it also allows autistic entrepreneurs to work with an on-line mentor.  On-line and email communication  removes most of the obstacles posed by misunderstandings that commonly occur in face to face social interactions. Autistic people in general struggle to read body language and to interpret non-verbal social cues, and so they are unable to clearly decipher the other person’s intentions. In face to face social settings, people often say one thing with their words but

indicate the opposite feelings with their body language.  In an email interaction, the dialogue is conducted entirely in writing. Thus, misunderstandings based on an autistic person’s social challenges are less likely to occur.  In addition, autistic people are likely to feel more comfortable expressing their thoughts freely in an online dialogue because they are less afraid of facing
social rejection.  Thus, working with an on-line mentor plays to the autistic entrepreneur’s intellectual strengths and expands opportunities for him or her to freely discuss and resolve the challenges involved in running a business.  

Latest Healing Revelations about Autism

In recent days I have experienced two very liberating revelations about autism.  First of all, I was speaking to a close friend who has major medical problems.  Her blood clots don't fall into any of the standard causes for blood clots.  Thus, even the world's top medical specialists cannot identify the sources of her blood clots.

I think that my situation is similar with regard to autism.  I think that the reason the system never diagnosed or identified my autism is that I don't fit the standard profile for a person with this neurological condition.  I believe that autism is a neurological difference and not a disorder, defect, or syndrome.    Not autistic people graduated from Ivy League colleges in the 1990's, and even fewer autistic people are highly verbal like me.

Once I realized why the system was unable to diagnose my autism, I began to heal from the traumatic effects of my past in the job world.  I realized that the system didn't mean to hurt or destroy me.  It simply lacks the tools needed to diagnose and help me.  Society has good intentions toward me and wants to help me but simply doesn't know how to do so. 

My mother figured out that I had autism, then known as Asperger's, in 2002.  I figured out that I am autistic in early 2011.  I was officially diagnosed with Asperger's in January, 2012.  And once I received the diagnosis, I was immediately pressured to return to an office job.  The professionals in the field tried to convince me to work in another office job with two changed conditions:

1.  Instead of interviewing for a job in the competitive marketplace without disclosing my condition to employers, I would interview for a job with an employer who is aware of my condition and willing to hire and promote an autistic person.  The interview process would be supervised by an organization that specializes in employing autistic people.

2.  Once I got a job, I would receive the support of a job coach who would explain to me how to handle social situations and help me resolve social conflicts and misunderstandings with my boss and colleagues.

This solution sounds nice on paper, but unfortunately it doesn't take into account several important factors which are specific to my case.  One, in the past fifteen years, I have tried to earn a living in three different socially driven fields without success: international relations, business, and tax accounting.  In all three cases, I found that the social demands of the job were impossible for me to meet, and I ran into the same basic obstacle: a lack of social skills. 

Two, I am severely traumatized by a pattern of repeated rejection in the office world.  As a result, I have come to realize that office jobs are simply not for me, and that even changing the conditions of my office employment would not do anything to ease my fears about working in an office. 

The basic problem is that the system is suggesting a standard solution to a complex problem for me.  Having placed me in the autism box, they are now trying to convince me to accept the standard treatments for autism.  These solutions include social skills training and office-based employment with a job coach.  These solutions may work for some autistic people, but I know instinctively that such approaches are totally unsuitable for me.

As a result of my experience, I have a two-fold goal.  The first is to help adults on the upper end of the spectrum to diagnose themselves.  I see from my personal experience that the mental health system is not capable of identifying and diagnosing adults on the upper end of the spectrum.  I attended six years of counseling with three different psychologists and two psychiatrists from 2002 and 2010.  Not one of these five professionals ever suggested that I might be autistic.  My experience shows that adults on the upper end of the spectrum first need to diagnose themselves before seeking a formal diagnosis from a qualified professional. 

My second goal is to work with other autistic people and with autism professionals to develop better and more effective tools for people on the higher end of the spectrum.  I believe my case shows that the standard solutions for autism are often harmful to people on the upper end of the spectrum.  Thus, we need to create more effective tools which are specifically targeted to help this sub-set of the autistic population.  I believe these tools must include helping members of this sub-population to identify career options which allow them to work from home and not be subjected to the unnecessary social pressures associated with working in an office.  We can flourish in careers that play to our intellectual strengths once we are liberated from the traumatic effects of attempting to function socially in office environments where we do not belong. 

My second major revelation is that although autism has been a disaster for me in the career arena, it has been a powerful strength in anothear important area of my life.  In particular, I am learning that as a result of my autism, I can cut through the most common rationalizations and justifications for domestic violence and child abuse.  As a child, I was subjected to psychological child abuse by both parents, particularly my father.  I am also a witness to my dad's ongoing campaign of psychological terror against my mother.  I knew from a very early age that child abuse and domestic violence were morally wrong and absolutely evil.  Unlike my neurotypical mother, I never searched my behavior to determine what I might have done wrong to provoke the abuse.  I never tried to fix my behavior in an attempt to appease my father and end the abuse.  I also never justified and rationalized child abuse and domestic violence.

My clear and strong sense of morality allowed me to grasp that my father's abuse was motivated by a deep desire to exercise absolute power and control over his female relatives.  This clear understanding of the difference between good and evil empowered me to stand up to my father from a very early age on my own behalf and my mother's behalf.  I knew that my dad's abuse against me and my mother was inherently wrong and had no justification. I also realized that it was completely unconnected with my actions and my mother's behavior.  I never wasted time looking for my dad's approval or hoping he would change or believing that he would stop abusing me if only I could develop better table manners or social skills or make any other changes in my life.

I believe that I can make a contribution to the fields of domestic violence and child abuse by presenting my perspectives on these issues from an Asperger perspective.  I think that my autistic point of view is a powerful strength when it comes to addressing these problems.  I believe that the autistic viewpoint can help victims and survivors of domestic violence and child abuse to understand that they should stop rationalizing the behavior of their abusers.  They should stop trying to fix their conduct in a vain attempt to gain their abuser's approval and put an end to the abuse.  They should realize that their abuser is only interested in establishing and maintaining power and control over their victims and is unrelated to the victim's behavior.  Thus, the only way to end such pathological and sadistic abuse in most cases is simply to end the relationship. One should not negotiate with or attempt to appease a hard-core abuser who is engaged in patriarchal terrorism. A total separation from the abuse is the only viable solution in such situations.

Autism and the Recent Tragedy

I am an autistic adult woman. Autism experts such as Dr. Tony Attwood know that autistic kids are more likely to be bullied and to suffer more severe types of bullying than other children. On page 98 of his book The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome, Attwood states that according to a survey in 2002, 90% of children with Aspergers were bullied in the past year. The rate of bullying for autistic kids aged 4 to 17 was four times the rate for other children.  Autistic children are more likely to be subjected to systematic shunning by their peers as a result of their social disabilities. 

Like most autistic people, I was mercilessly bullied and shunned by my peers as a kid. But the thought of committing mass murder never crossed my mind. And also the killer was apparently home-schooled and thus less vulnerable to bullying than I was. Autism did NOT cause this tragedy.  The killer was an evil human being who made a cruel choice to bring suffering, death, and hatred into the world. Ultimately, we all have freedom of choice, and we all need to take responsibility for our decisions and the effects of our actions upon others.

Today during my physical therapy session, one of my neighbors expressed compassionate ignorance about autism and Asperger's to me.  She said,"he's not normal.  He is autistic."  Apparently she thinks that autistic people are not 'normal' and that autism is some sort of defect.

In addition, she also believes that autism is incompatible with morality.  She said about the killer,"He is autistic.  He doesn't know the difference between right and wrong."  I found this comment incredibly hurtful, and yet I know that she spoke out of ignorance rather than malice.  She doesn't realize that autistic people have a very high sense of personal ethics and a very clear understanding of the difference between right and wrong.  Weak social skills do not imply an inability to grasp ethical principles. 

Further, I told her that I am autistic and I have Asperger's Syndrome.  But she told me that I wasn't a typical autistic person because, "You're walking, you're talking, you're able to interact socially."  Apparently she has a stereotypical and limited understanding of autistic people, whom she imagines as being like Rainman and not being capable of normal interaction with their fellow human beings.

I am rededicating myself to educating and informing people about autism because I have found from personal experience that educating people about autism makes a huge difference.  I have told my story to my physical therapist, who is moved by my experience and my desire to change things for other people.  She had no knowledge of autism before meeting me, and now she is beginning to understand it better.  People fear autism because they don't understand it.  Thus, the more informed people are about the subtle aspects of autism, the less they will fear autistic people. 

Also, after seeing these innocent children so brutally murdered, all of a sudden I am much less angry at society for destroying my career.  I stopped writing about autism publicly because I found reflection upon my personal experiences to be too painful and traumatic.  But in light of this tragedy, my career trauma seems much more bearable.  I am emotionally more prepared to begin coming to terms with and sharing my story.  I feel an enormous burden being lifted off the weight of my shoulders, and a sense of inner peace is starting to replace a prior feeling of despair and powerlessness about my destiny.